Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
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That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I have so many questions.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.