With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
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The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I ate everything, including the H.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?