I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
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*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Probably my best painting.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!