I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
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I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.