Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?