Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
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Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.