A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
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Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
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