soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
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accurate
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Beware of fowl play.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.