CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
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gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
All excellent questions
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off