I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
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Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-