If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
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I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…