I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
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My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”