Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
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[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Oh my god
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
This is sending me to another galaxy
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.