me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
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I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.