ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
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Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Welcome
i will not be silenced
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.