Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
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I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Yes, but it was never about money
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.