I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
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My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Education is vital
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”