Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
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Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.