Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
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I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
did it work