Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!