Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don鈥檛 count.
Me: 馃
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Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I don鈥檛 buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent鈥檚 house like an adult
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she鈥檚 LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they鈥檙e referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald鈥檚.
Tax tip: Even if it鈥檚 true, never list your dog as head of household. They鈥檒l roll over under audit.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you鈥檙e probably going to die.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what鈥檚 the number
Me: they didn鈥檛 say
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You鈥檙e welcome.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
people don鈥檛 get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world鈥檚 most delicious cheeseburger?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of 蟺
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they鈥檝e upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I鈥檓 good now.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive