Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
You Might Also Like
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
What’s a Messi?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night