My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
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I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Good boy 😂😂
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.