McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
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Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?