One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
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No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
🙂🙃🥹
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!