I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
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I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.