I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
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a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people