me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
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I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
B
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh