What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
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Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers