Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?