North and South
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Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it