4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
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It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.