murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
You Might Also Like
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Thursday Thought.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Me too, bag. Me too….
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga