If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
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“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.