Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
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*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography