If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
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When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Smells like a challenge to me
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I’m about to risk it all
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge