A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
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[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
mentally somewhere in italy
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
This was my dad’s browser history.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”