i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
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“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.