starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
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My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
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*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.