MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
You Might Also Like
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Canada has crack?
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
who called it hell and not heaven’t
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*