toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
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her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
asked my bf how work was today
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair