Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
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Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
time machine? you mean a clock?
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.