I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
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I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.