The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
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Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Haha! 😂