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“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers