Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
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My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly