ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
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I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Look at this
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.