Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
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*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I am a gravy boat captain
Fiction has to make sense.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.