Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
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I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
A game married people play.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
What?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her