What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
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I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries